Casting Crowns, Somewhere in the Middle

I know a lot of you have probably heard this song by now,
I haven't heard anyone talking about them, is it just me? The lyrics are awesome- right?
If you can't relate, I want to meet your balanced self.

I admit at first I was denying the whole the in the middle idea thinking i wasn't going to see myself as "strateling the fence" or "lukewarm" for fear of being spit out by God (yeah, i thought this). Then i realized i was thinking too much about these lyrics and needed to consider them for how i am sure they were intended: to help us realize we are a process, always in the works.

"Somewhere In The Middle"

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

Sadie and Addison!

A rare father and son moment

Sadie signs for Addison Lucy Killen

Sadie gets gifted

Party Time!

Hey! i thought i would share some recent photo's of a busy week!
I can't believe Sadie is FIVE.
Here are some of the things that make her Sadie to me.

1- She thinks words like "humamomma" and "humalachi" are funny.
2- Her favorite thing to do is pack an assortment of items behind our recliner and line them against the wall with a blanket and a pillow from the couch.
3- She thinks she has homework.
4- She says she is going to marry Carson Shepherd.
5- She loves to dress up in a Jasmine costume with a pink and blue hairbow on each side of her head.
6- She watches tv with her feet on the entertainment center just like i used to do.
7- She carries around and "reads" a Magic Treehouse book and calls it her summer reading.
8- She has no personal space.
9- She likes to put her hands on my face and lift my arms when i am talking to adults.
10- She prays everynight for "my brother, my other brother and my sister that's me and Hershey"
11- She loves the songs "Its My Life" and "Sweet Escape"
12- She has serious character voices when she plays pretend. It's quite a show.

first day of preschool
first day of soccer practice

my little almost 5 year old -she is my best friend these days. i am going to enjoy my time on mon and wed while she's little lambing it up but i will miss her silly self.

i am slacking. i confess my thoughts are muffled and numb right now. God's there but not top priority. in my mind i am saying "this is the time/phase/place i get to coast along, no really huge trials or pressing problems" but i don't realize the seriousness of the complacency.
scary.

so today i couldn't find the dvd remote. do you ever begin thinking when you are searching for something so insignificant that God really has you searching for something else? i actually cleaned the dvd cabinet and the couch in the process. i found cereal under the cushions that we haven't even bought in this house and a name tag "George" from the Seinfeld party years ago. but i am off track. what i did find was the reason God had that ding dang remote lost in the first place. i knew when i would find this it would be at just the right time i needed to find it. it's been lost a couple of months.
are you dying yet?!
i found my ring. wha. wha. whaaa. after you recover from my anticlimatic discovery, let me explain. it's my "pray without ceasing" ring and i am always aware of it. i mean it was/is the symbol thing i wore to remind me He's there- to not forget to give it all to Him. i was constantly rubbing my thumb over to the pinkie and pushing it back because it always fell off. every time it fell off i would think it was God saying "pick Me back up- you are forgetting i am here"
then i lost it.
now the fact that i lost it didn't symbolize i was lost those of you who are thinking i am taking things all too literally. for the last two months i have been trying to push back a ring that wasn't there. even that motion would make me think to think of Him, until the last few weeks...when the slacking thing started happening.

so then i came over here to the computer and checked my email. i mean... i got straight on my knees and ... ahem. then i clicked on my upmost for His highest daily devo. check this out!

Prayer Choice And Prayer Conflict

“When thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and pray to thy Father which is in secret.” Matthew 6:6

Jesus did not say - Dream about thy Father in secret, but pray to thy Father in secret. Prayer is an effort of will. After we have entered our secret place and have shut the door, the most difficult thing to do is to pray; we cannot get our minds into working order, and the first thing that conflicts is wandering thoughts. The great battle in private prayer is the overcoming of mental wool-gathering. We have to discipline our minds and concentrate on wilful prayer.

We must have a selected place for prayer and when we get there the plague of flies begins - This must be done, and that. "Shut thy door." A secret silence means to shut the door deliberately on emotions and remember God. God is in secret, and He sees us from the secret place; He does not see us as other people see us, or as we see ourselves. When we live in the secret place it becomes impossible for us to doubt God, we become more sure of Him than of anything else. Your Father, Jesus says, is in secret and nowhere else. Enter the secret place, and right in the centre of the common round you find God there all the time. Get into the habit of dealing with God about everything. Unless in the first waking moment of the day you learn to fling the door wide back and let God in, you will work on a wrong level all day; but swing the door wide open and pray to your Father in secret, and every public thing will be stamped with the presence of God.

God spoke. i love it when He's so clear with me. i had to share.
Now i am going to pray. really pray. and when you see me ask me if i did. i need some accountability and apparently a little pinkie ring.

i do have a new post out there. i am a bit tired of the drenched boys at camp myself...
try my new blog if your bored "i have chickenskin" it's silly and selfish and showcases what i think about when i am trying not to think about anything- pray for me this week- it's pretty crazy. love to all. g

a camping we will go...

who knew?! apparently a lot of people have shared in the church camp experience but this was my first go at it...i am hooked. can't wait till i can buy canteen, swim everyday with 30 other 4-6th grade girls and stay up late and play with the other counselors.

i learned this last week:

1- girls change their clothes and bathe a lot more than boys
2- benny the clown isn't really all that scary after all
3- jeanne foust's sister, vonya has the same voice and heart as jeanne
4- i am a dork about skits
5- don't panic if someone is drowning you
6- you can miss your own child even when they are sitting right next to you
7- i don't miss the pettiness of a 5/6th grade girl
8- sometimes i act like a 5/6th grade girl

9- i need time alone

10- being a children's minister is a complete and total blessing (except during 1/4 changes).


this just scratches the surface...i seriously had a great time. thanks to Jeanne and Amanda for letting me have Hannah and Annsley all week. we made great memories.
enjoy the pics.

my unverbalized thoughts

after an extensive search for my password and username, i decided to come back here.

i have sortof been stepping out of myself lately and looking back at how i am, how i respond to others, my expressions, my genuiness, my intentions, my motivation, my character...

slowly the Lord has shown me these things:

1- i know to trust God but i don't do the follow thru. example: i know to organize my time and figure in advance the time it takes to find teachers but i don't do the follow thru therefore i am left frustrated. or i know that going to visit my grandmother 20 min. away would be the right thing to do but i come up with excuses to let me off the hook.

my lack of follow thru ends up resulting in a lack of faith really. without faith it's impossible to please Him. ouch.

2- as bad as a day i might have, it could be worse. i will get consumed with a dissagreement and my pride will take over. but getting over these things aren't unmanageable. getting over a losing a loved one or a friend would be much worse. bite the bullet and say i am sorry or give 'em grace, whatever you need to do, do it. you'll be glad you did.

3- enjoy kids. they are floating with spirituality. i can see God in them quicker than anything i try to see God in- and not because of anything i have done but by the simple fact they are children. i see why God says become like them now more than ever. you have to open your eyes to it, but trust me, it's there. and things seem easier when you get how that all works.

ok, so three things for now. God is original in His ways to become alive in us. never underestimate how he's going to show you he is working. he used hollywood this week for me. he actually took morgan freeman and his freckley face and made me love Him more.

go see evan almighty with your kids, watch their faces while they laugh. then give someone forgiveness you've been denying, even if they live 20 min. away.

cuts for cancer

no more fights about wet hair at bedtime, no more tangles in the morning. i now reap the benefits of having a son with boy hair (at least one son with boy hair now :)

"Cuts for Cancer" will be receiving a package of long red curly hair in the mail very soon. much to mars hill and my grandparents approval!

ahh...April 2

today was a breath of fresh air.

i actually relaxed.

i didn't have a single thought of what prop was missing or what i was going to do tonight when my son picked his nose on stage- again

i got out my foot massager/ soaker thingie and gave myself a pedicure and manicure. who knew 2nd and 4th grade boys had such intrest in soaking their feet? i did get a turn and it was fabulous.

i had to share a picture or two of my life the past couple of months.

the first is from a video i made for our "sunday night lights" class- taken spring break, una -by trina. aren't they awesome. they are demonstrating ways to focus in prayer.

second- my kiddo's with the bunny, the bunny, oh, they love the bunny

third- last night...the finale. it was super fun those Donkey Tales.

jim, thank you for seeming interested in my thoughts. i actually became interested in my blog again after watching an episode of scrubs last Thurs. night where JD and Cox refer to JD's blog. i knew we were connected :)

i don't know. i miss keeping up with this crazy thing and hearing from all of you. you know this open dialogue is easy but it screws with my head a little too. you know there are people reading this that you never know they are. i am not talking about strangers even. i mean our friends! not those of us who are in the blog circle and choose not to comment either...those who lurk over the blog circle and never say a word. ahh! maybe i am insecure. i am a little vulnerable about who i am all too often.

let me just leave you all with something light...i am going to download a clip of scrubs.

Happy New Year!

Just wanted to link you to my latest pictures of my kiddo's.

"My Three Redheads" and "More of My Three Redheads" (flickr.com)

Hope everybody is having a great new year so far!

mine rocks-

thank you.

hey friends.

i really don't know who reads anymore...i used to keep track of it with the handy sitemeter and then decided i cared too much about that and let my tracking system go. isn't it silly the things we "get all in to"? but today i must say i am thankful for you. my friends. it seems like the reality of thanksgiving rolled around a little slow for me this year but after my last post i have felt your friendship and also not so alone in my confessions. i get why God said to be there for each other. i think i am an extreme person, or can be at times. i had decided in my mind i was depending on friends too much... and i was, sorry to those who know who you are. and so instead of being wise and discerning... i shut up completely. not wise.
we need each other.

amy, i love you and how you know me and all my stuff and love me anyway. you listen like no other and i feel safe in you. God uses you with me all too often. thank you for always pointing me to Him. i pray that everyone could have a friend like amy. i love her exactly for who she is and for what God is doing with her. and amy i can't wait to see what He has in store for you-He's here and more is coming!

Psalms 16:13
And these God-chosen lives all around— what splendid friends they make!

and just a little something i forgot and had to relearn recently...
keep it light.
i think i may have started this blog asking for all you to pray for me to keep it light and now i plan to leave this blog asking all of you to remind me to keep it light. you have been fun for me- an outlet i needed. now off to something different for now. much love to all of you.

dry lands and Luke

i have been in somewhat of a spiritual dry lands lately. uninspired and very passive about too many things. not a good place to be. but God showed me something noteworthy the last two nights i tucked the kids in bed...

i wasn't in the mood at all to be spiritual much less teach. i didn't even feel worthy of reading to them considering the day i had. but God had mercy. he sent me to a scripture that lets just say "broke me" my cold heart warmed up just a bit...

the next night, after a day of going from ok to bad to worse again i sat with the kids ready or i should say not ready for another night of reading and prayer. i chose what i thought was something safe...the gospels. i knew the lessons Jesus taught too well. He wasn't going to break me tonight...i was just going to read and get on with my again cold heart. but God had something better in mind. He took me to Luke 11. i began thinking Jesus is teaching the guys about prayer, safe enough... i know about prayer, right?

so now again i sit crying, realizing two nights in a row God has been trying to get my attention while i have been determined with my sour, displaced attitude. i heard Him with so much force i had hope. it sounds a little silly but when you are in a bad place, hope makes you laugh. you could care less because your faith in thin. surely you have been here.

so i tried what this scripture suggests and i prayed. not the way i had been. the one's i had been offering were so emotionless and lacked spirit and heart. this prayer was my first prayer of faith -of true faith in days. i was direct with God, not wistful. and today i have this confession and vision again. i am coming out from the covers and more thankful than i have been all thru the past week of -dare i admit, thanksgiving.

i want to encourage anybody who is reading that may be in the dry lands to keep on reading the words from Jesus below. don't give up. don't underestimate God. just ask.
Luke 11...the message.

Ask for What You Need

1 One day he was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said, "Master, teach us to pray just as John taught his disciples." 2-4So he said, "When you pray, say,

Father,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil."

5-6Then he said, "Imagine what would happen if you went to a friend in the middle of the night and said, 'Friend, lend me three loaves of bread. An old friend traveling through just showed up, and I don't have a thing on hand.'

7"The friend answers from his bed, 'Don't bother me. The door's locked; my children are all down for the night; I can't get up to give you anything.'

8"But let me tell you, even if he won't get up because he's a friend, if you stand your ground, knocking and waking all the neighbors, he'll finally get up and get you whatever you need.

9"Here's what I'm saying:

Ask and you'll get;
Seek and you'll find;
Knock and the door will open.

10-13"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This is not a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your little boy asks for a serving of fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? If your little girl asks for an egg, do you trick her with a spider? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing—you're at least decent to your own children. And don't you think the Father who conceived you in love will give the Holy Spirit when you ask him?"

hey everybody.
does anybody ever get tired of themself?
i think i am tired of me, i am getting on my own nerves.
i have no funny story-
nothing clever to write-
nothing is pressing me
and i am mad about my secondary spiritual gift (hospitality!?!)
so much that all this adds up to the fact i am tired of being me.
i usually like who i am, not in a huge kind of way and i kNoW i have lots of personality flaws but today all i see if the parts of me that i dislike. like how i felt when i put on that sea green shirt under my brown short sleeved shirt and thought it was cute.
and it wasn't. a decision i made after i got home that day...

i am not needing a pep talk either. what anyone else thinks about me doesn't matter. it's my opinion i am concerned about.

please someone admit they feel my pain and have been here.
and please someone tell me that hospitality doesn't mean fru-fru, tea cakes and fake smiles.
is that really me?! no, don't tell me. ok tell me.

mario, puppy and luigi

i wash their clothes
i comb their hair
i make their lunch
i make socks pair

i hold their hands
i read them stories
i teach them God
and all His glory

i make their hands
form church to steeple
i watch their minds
grow into people

i listen dutifully
to many complaints
i guide their minds
using some restraints

i see their smile
i hear their laugh
i see the joy
You put in my path

i ground
i spank
i fight
i thank

our God in heaven
for these joys
coming from my girl
and two crazy boys

Hahaha

can you watch this without laughing?

my latest compromise

bathtime has been challenging. our latest two fits of rage have been around this event. i lured my sugar loving baby in the tub with none other than a spoon of marshmellow cream tonight. she could not have been more willing and happy to oblidge...

some may think this isn't too bright. we could go in circles about bribing and sugar and, and, and....but i have a (fairly) calm, clean child right now. and i am loving that.

Click Here for recent pictures of the killen kids.

please know that because i am posting this, i am NOT in any way taking this lightly- as some of you know, sadie has given way to what we southerners call "fits"...and i am at a loss. i have tried every emotion with her (anger, being calm, ignoring, spanking, time-out) and analyzed every thing on the way up to the fit (tired, hungry, been around the boys too much, my moods) there seems to be no common denominator except she demands attention pretty much all the time and she may be giving it her best shot with these tantrums. i just don't know what to do when it happens. i feel helpless and ignorant and like a very bad parent.

i know this isn't healthy for any of us. i am crazy, sad and feeling left like i am not good at my purpose. i love her and am soooo crazy about her but lately she is just driving me crazy.

please pray for my parenting, my sanity and Sadie...

All i want for Christmas