Pretending, writing, thinking, to the point i was in another time and place. I was left imagining- what if i let my mind have way with itself? Writing while listening to the music that inspires and wishing I knew what else to do when i get to this point. Usually i end up thinking "you better stop wasting time and do something more productive" which is my exact back of my mind thought at this very moment. I will choose to ignore and carry on for now...
The thoughts of Oswald tonight sent me back to what i know. Find Him and you will find you- by following Him, your heart will be drawn into your soul--being wrapped up in the outpouring. Lately my pace is at an all time fast rate and I don't even recognize myself. Who is this girl? There's no outpouring going on here. Just a lot of planning. I feel drained and while i know the planning makes things work and happen- i can't seem to pull my head above water for a breath of art and fancy and heart.
Where's the balance?
I love that word and hate it all at the same time. One thing I know is I am not made for this world leaving me constantly unbalanced. But the other thing i know for sure is that i am here, so i better find that dang balance and figure out what i need more of to pull that scale down a bit.
Balance to me means learning to pull myself out of the fairy-tale world my mind lives in where i can dance and no one yells at anyone- ever and think straight and organized and simply. I can recognize a good organizer and planner from a mile away, but for the life of me i can't mimic them standing front and center. Why is that?
So my age long pursuit stands in front of me. I must put my big girl panties on and tell some lucky folks what to do, where to go, what to teach, fix, learn, drive, ....it goes on. Sometimes i think I may be in the wrong business. Sometimes i think i just need to stop my whining, let God show me up and let Jesus shine.
Whichever direction I decide to lean towards, I know I love my God and He will make all things right. Eventually things will make sense again and I will have had a taste of my passion and it will look fairly put together for those who see the need in that.
Until then I will be praying for desire, for hope to float up again and inspire me- and for my complicated mind to rest.
3 comments:
oh my gosh! just saw that you're blogging again and you HAVE to keep it up. this post is stinkin' amazing and seems like it came right out of a book. you have to write more. you're too good at it to not. love you lots.
thank you my sweet friend :) you may be a bit bias. i love you for it though. looking forward to "fearless"
I stumbled onto your blog and I have to tell you, I feel as lost as you sometimes. I think you should follow your passion, everyday, in every moment. Don't be afraid of anything and live in love.
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