shining through.

I see your true colors

shining through

I see your true colors

and that's why I love you

so don't be afraid to let them show

your true colors

true colors are beautiful

like a rainbow

My Joe Riley

The middle child. The keeper of my sanity and destroyer of it, all rolled up in a curly headed, snaggle toothed boy. This child is generated by people and when exposed- turns into a burst of energy that can either light up a room or run everyone out of it. It has been eleven years of joy having him in my life.

Tonight at prayer-time we settled into an interesting conversation about each child's spiritual gifts. We decided Gates is the helper, Sadie, compassion and when i dropped the bomb on Riley that i felt his gift was hospitality (making people feel at home around him) i was worried he may feel unsure, like it was a "girl" gift. Instead, he cranked up the butler routine and began inviting us all to his room in a British accent. He is a character so often that sometimes I wonder what's really going on in his floppy haired head of his.

I had to post about my Joe Riley- judging by the 19 month difference he and his brother have- i realize that my time is ticking having a son that will still throw his arms around his mom and smack a kiss on her cheek. Maybe he won't loose that spark in him but i know soon he will be too cool for that. My heart did sink a bit when I brought him lunch for his birthday at school and he told me i didn't have to stay...

Thinking about how this whole weekend revolved around him- the two day birthday celebration and then the band concert, it was easy to see my child was full. I enjoyed his spirit and wish i could keep him this high on life all the time- he's really is fun to be around. Always ready with a joke, noticing small things and asking deep questions- in some ways beyond his years and in others i pray for his maturity. How can that be? I guess it's the nature of a tween. God bless him and us as we enter another decade of Riley. My heart.

Tis the Season...

Today is Nov. 29th, close enough to December for a "My Favorites" list. I was just catching up on last years list, interesting things i must mention:

* Jon and Kate are divorced-sending the joy they brought me to an all time low. From their series to their commercial to their song (and come ON! 8 kids!) couldn't they have tried harder to find it for each other? :(

* I lost the gloves that apparently made me giddy.

* Tale of Despereaux...too much sad mouse. Marley and Me...too much sad dog. Benjamin Buttons...too much sad old man/boy. Yes Man...too much yes.

* After I apparently had fallen in love with my house, i moved.

SO, this year...

1. Somethings I have discovered new since last year:: Obviously first being:: I will miss Michael Jackson's music. "Man in the Mirror" can i just say *genius* Second:: Confirmation is so important to me. Third:: Serve where God has you. End of story. Don't drag out questions. Keep it that simple.

2. "How Many Kings?" Downhere. Could it replace "Do they know it's Christmastime?" ...maybe

3. My friends are God's amazing gift to me. Merry Christmas to me. God bless them, everyone!

4. gLee. Every song- seriously, almost every song makes me so happy i want to jump up and cheer or cry or something ridiculously overly emotional. Topping my list this year...(surprise, iTunes $)

5. Contemporary routines from "so you think..." please let me learn how to dance -!- i will consider that i am too old and goofy and am *meant to be a fan...* but come on! Someday i will get the nerve to ask for dance lessons for Christmas.

6. 10? maybe i jumped the gun- i haven't really even broke out all the music and Sadie's goofy Christmas shirts yet...

7. Black Friday won this year. I couldn't do it, deals were officially less important than sleep. But I am sure to absorb some shopping spirit before the season ends. I love love love Hobby Lobby and thanks to them more "homemade Christmas" is sure to develop- feel the need to apologize.

8. Looking sooo forward to cooking this year. (I broke out in new directions of creativity this year from cooking to painting to kicking out a necklace or two) I really can't wait to have my kitchen covered in pans, flour, delicious smells and some loud music. Maybe some Rachel Ray channeling, or better...what chef has a French accent? oh yeah...

9. I must admit this to possibly have been the best year for decorating. Reason:: I did not put one tree limb into one metal pole, I did not match one letter to one faded off color. I did not vacuum the first spindle of pine off the carpet. My husband did so with my 2 strong sons. While i sang and cooked in the kitchen the house developed into Christmas central and I just showed up for the decorating. Presto, he got it right this year. This is our (ahem) 15th Christmas together.

10. Wrapping matters. The cuter the package the better the gift looks. I discovered this a few years back but i am officially embracing the disguise and taking wrapping to a whole new level. At least for me, I am a far cry from AC and I realize i may never reach her level of expertise, but one gift at a time. This will be the best wrapped holiday season yet.

Well, i guess that's a wrap.

See how that worked?- Now how cute am I?

Merry Christmas Blogger friends. All one of you. You know who you are Amy Browning. Should i just call you up for a girls night out instead of writing up all this?

Movies to catch this season in order of excitement:

The Blind Side- doesn't count as a Christmas movie but am pacing to see it...

1. Everybody's Fine

2. Invictus

3. Precious- not getting in Flotown :(

4. Up in the Air

5. The Fantastic Mr. Fox

After Christmas first on my list: Leap Year with Amy Adams. Enchanted flashback? Please let it be.

safe landings.

i live in a swirly kind of place. where i really never land on anything for long- then when i do- i do my thing then off swirling again. while the flighty style suits me so and is it's always nice for me to be in the wind- i really had grown weary of the "side effects" of my lack of channeling. for the past few days i have- possibly for the first time in my life- experienced what it might be like to stay on the station. i landed, channeled, focused, laughed, cried and felt like a better me.

yeah, i have help. don't think it wasn't prayed over intensely- but through this gift, as today i see it- i was blessed with one of the best conversations i have had in the past 5 years with my mom. my holds weren't barred and she was my parent and i relished it. she talked to me about who i was growing up. the kind of spirit i had and heart. i needed to hear that so badly. i didn't realize how i needed be her daughter.

i shared with her the bond sadie and i have and the relationship she already exhibits with God- and she said "now you know what i had"- man- after feeling like her little girl again, i knew more than ever you never stop missing your mom. then i held on to the next few things she said while the Spirit led her.

i talked to her about needing rest. she reminded me Jesus needed rest often during his ministry. God himself in the flesh. thru my tears she told me i was precious to her and i need rest. and we talked about what she saw in me as a teenager. she told me she just knew i would end up working with children with special needs. i was happy to tell her i was and that she was right- i do work with them and am more filled by that part of my life than most other things i sink in to. i felt like i was where i needed to be. for now- for sure.

we connected. i let her in and she was on my page. i feel so loved today. thankful for her. her life. her LIFE. her choices. her strength. her huge strength that gets shadowed by her very very tender heart. her convictions she instilled in me. i broke down a wall that i wasn't sure could be moved. God is so good. i have landed today.

i know i love wind too much to become a different person thru all this awakening but i am looking forward to a better me. i can see God healing parts of me i didn't think really mattered that much. and thru those, big healings have begun. so blessed...

i love my church.

Tonight we gain an extra hour. Watch me sit here and waste it away. I guess writing my thoughts isn't a total waste but I could be crashing after a long day. Tonight was our Harvest Fest. The big event that involves 1/2 the church it feels like. Coordinating all the people/help- is a feat in and of itself. Not to mention reserving, purchasing, the donations, the inevitable shopping and the candy, man the candy...but after all is said and done- a grandiose blessing.

I watched families work together. Get dressed up together, laugh together- pray together. I know it's a Halloween alternative event- not Sunday worship or anything but it's got me thinking about God so much. He not only provided a gorgeous day filled with sun when the weathermen all week said rain, He rallied up a group of people- a mash up of CP members to serve and befriend each other.

I love why He makes these things happen. It may have been great for our community- but I can see how great it was for our church family. I feel like I bonded a bit with everyone because we all had a common goal-hot dogs, drinks, cotton candy, yeah- but more so the people from the community fueled our energy levels and made us want to make it a great event.

Passing each other in the kitchen, stealing a bowl of chili in the midst of the hectic, working out funnel cakes after we tripped two breakers- i am, for this moment, in love with my CP family. I love that my preacher stayed all day- from the moments at the beginning until we shut out the kitchen lights- he took out trash, set up chairs and handed out cokes. Stayed just as busy and worked just as hard as the rest. A good man.

I love that even though we changed the day late in the game, we had more help than ever. I love that after wrapping 3200 hot dogs my kitchen coordinator couldn't leave- saying "i have to see how this plays out!" then got in there and served popcorn for two and a half hours. I love that two people were there just to pray with people. I love that my son worked a game this year and my kids didn't mention one time to me how they missed out on trick or treating in our neighborhood- I love that I finally got to meet Pam that I have been hearing all about...

So tonight as I lay my head on my pillow I will sleep well with my little reminder-I love that we love our community and I love that we love each other. Whether or not we had a t-shirt for everybody or that we got that super great job that we wanted- we had a good attitude- and after a long time of planning and prep- this has made a difference to me.

My life, His Ministry.

Aren't those kids gorgeous? It's kinda crazy to think that just about everything I physically do is for these people. Not only am I their mother but I am also their minister. I mean that's my job I am paid for and am called to do without the paycheck. That's a crazy concept and if I think about it too long the pressure rises up in me. I sometimes look at my set up and praise God for the amazing opportunity that I get to be caretakers of their souls in a sense. Then sometimes I am scared to death thinking all I am is all I got and without His intervention I am pretty much gonna lead them into no good. Not intentionally but if i know anything, I know I am no good without Him.

I know God has me in ministry not because of my gifts or talents or even willingness, but because I need ministry. For me to be closer to Him, I need a daily responsibility that keeps me working and diligent. It is a let down in a way. I wish He knew I could work secularly and still be a charming Christian. But the job makes the man here. I am a better person because I am called to be. Not better than anyone else- better than I would be. Make no mistake.

Even that these words are somehow coming out like I needed and wanted them to are words that God is giving me to better help me express myself and help me be more clear minded. I am telling you, without Him, I am a mess. He supplies everything. The ideas, the craftiness the desire even. He puts that in me everyday- I go to Him for a "quick fix" in making phone calls mostly, that is truly my hardest feat as a minister, how ridiculous. I love words and expression is so important to me but when I am on a phone without a face- I am lost and fumble and my heart isn't displayed well because my mind gets all in the way. I am the one that leaves the ridiculous phone messages and I am the one that somehow suddenly can't make small talk to save her life.

God makes up for our shortcomings. Thankfully- the job doesn't necessarily require a lot of phone calls. And thankfully it does require someone who knows they really aren't much without the Father. I still can't take the pressure of those three in that picture. The relationship is easy, to love them is a breeze but to teach them what all they need to know?! I find myself leaning in on the Father again feeling as helpless as ever. One day at a time. One phone call at a time. One decision at a time. Thankfully one child entering jr. high- at a time. One prayer for wisdom at a time.

Happy Fall to Me

I have officially been denying the fall. The fresh air, the gentle breeze, the sun, when it actually came out and warmed it all to the perfect temperature something so natural happened it seemed unnatural. I fell in love. Not just "ah, this feels nice" but I went to the same extreme of denying God's change of season with ungrateful disinterest and scoffs at people loving the "football weather" to feeling all "alive" and running in circles with arms wide open like a scene from "The Sound of Music". It's time to embrace the fall for what it is. I know the next line is different for everyone. But for me it's change. The colors, the temp., the smells. See... I like summer. I like warm, i like green. These ARE a few of my favorite things. But fall brings cold and brown. Cold and brown and colder and then barren. Yuck for me. Then why today do i feel delicious?

Being inside with my toothless child lent me to some quality time with him until his interest in the TV overcame his interest in me. So i naturally get on FB, twitter, blogs, anything that reminded my mind i am in a bigger world than this one in which my couch and tv set...

One, I was reminded that I desperately want to go to Africa. Two, I was reminded that I really can't keep up nor want to keep up with the runnings of this world. I have never been a newsy kinda girl and when i wrap my brain around the loudness of community and entertainment and media, i shrink a little. And instead of feeling alive- i feel little. Being inside obviously isn't the answer.

So today, I will suit up up my soccer playing spawn and breathe deep. Lift fall right into my air passages and hold tight. I will overcome the temptation too dread winter. I will overcome the temptation to be all grumpy with every one's delightful meaner . I will take in the day with joy and gladness and hope. That one day winter will not scare me and brown will be my color. And that coats and socks and scarves and chills will be overshadowed with coziness and blankets and a good book and maybe some hot chocolate.

Fall-*sigh* Here I come.

Where did the time go?

Wednesday of this week my baby turns seven. Did you get that?? My baby will be SEVEN. For three years now I have known she wants to be known for anything but being a baby and has never been the type to pull the baby card. But it probably would have worked. I am just now letting go of the fact she doesn't need me to rock her to sleep. Yeah, I drug that out waaay long. That was like the last thing I finally let go and wouldn't have done it differently if someone paid me.

She is Miss Independent and loves to be in the middle of anything that involves dirt or maybe a 64 pack of fresh crayons. Her choice of pastime: Mia, riding her Huffy, watching the boys make their "Headless Productions" (watch out world, this is serious entertainment) and swimming like there's no tomorrow. One of her quirks is her famous hand puppet (see picture below). It has made every photo album for a couple of years now. It's always popping up in my camera.

Her birthday she wants to paint. I am secretly ecstatic and can't wait for the mini "Sips and Strokes" I am recreating. She can't wait to open her presents, she's asked for a green scooter. A green scooter she will have. All wrapped and ready.

Sometimes I look at her and think, I have a little girl and she is perfect. Her hazel eyes, freckles and scraggly red curls are the idea of gorgeous to me. She cleans up well but usually she is Sadie only when she's dirty from some hole she has dug and hair in her eyes that have fallen from her pigtails (her hairstyle of choice). Always choosing a t-shirt and shorts to wear everyday no matter how hard I try to convince her that girls wear leggings or skirts too and it doesn't mean they are "girlie girls". She owns the tom-boy role with great pride.

So again, another milestone. The boys are tweens, officially down to the very last crumb which is never left on either of their plate. Eating everything in sight, fast. Hair products are being asked for and girls are NOT gross to them. Their changes are fun for sure and happening almost at the same time as it seems like it always has been. I get double teamed by those two and there is never a dull moment. Yeah, that is a pig Riley is holding...

All this being said, I am a blessed mom. Three kids that really are joy to me. They keep me sane. They teach me lessens. They call me to a higher ground.

blank canvas

Today i woke up and said, it's a blog-worthy day. Actually, i didn't say that at all that when i woke up. I came here thinking i would look up Amy's new diet. No really, I stumbled here looking for blank canvas sold wholesale. Google can lead you crazy places. Did you know there is a blog, "Blank Canvas"? But the truth is i did think already this morning, "I would like to read about Amy's diet on her blog" so that's where I am heading next. For sure. Did you know I was already logged on? Used that as a sign I must blog...Must be connected to my gmail account. Its def. been a while.

Wow. I really forgot how to blog.

I am so happy to be here. I think blogging is a dying art. I am suddenly upset of it's being assumed second fiddle to facebook. Whateva. Even though I hate the word "blog" and think the concept is a bit self fullfilling, those of us who need an outlet to be their very own creative writer- it's exactly perfect. Fresh, blank piece of paper, newly sharpened pencil and the smell of crayons. Yummy. I really like to pretend a teacher just announced a topic and I get to go any direction i want to with it. My next adventure. Now what's my topic?

Yesterday I treated myself to 10 new downloads. Then 3 freebies. Have you heard of Nelo?Walkin' Around, Jumping Bean, Footsteps- local band- who knew?? And Parachute? "She is Love" is so about God, replace She with HE. What about Sarah Reeves- "Come Save" so clean and godly. Special thanks to Rachel McGuire for those picks. Good call g'friend. Needtobreathe..."Lay 'Em Down"- feel good fall music right there. And then you know Aug. 25 marked Colbie Caillat and Ingrid Michaelson's new CD release. Got me a couple of good ones from there too- Ingrid's "Maybe"-you can sing it before it's over. My favorite kind. And Colbie's "You Got Me", so Colbie- so bubbly, but it so has me. It's like the smell of the new pack of diapers except in listening form. So giddy.

Can't wait to drive somewhere or cook something so i have an excuse to just listen. Mmm. Jason Mraz, "If It Kills Me", that guy can sing. I think he and I sing well together. If he only knew. Got an intro to Glee's next episode free. Riley and I have watched a few times. Plus the song she sings when she's trying out for the Glee club, free download people...

So there's an update of my personal vice. I could spend too much money if allowed on music. Not the direction i had expected since it's been a year since i blogged but i am a bit rusty.

Back to finding canvas's wholesale. Got a couple of projects cooking up. And Amy's blog.